One year ago today I gave birth to a beautiful little boy. William was perfect except that he came almost 4 1/2 months early. He is one of the strongest people I know. I feel so blessed to have sat by his bedside everyday for 2 months, encouraging him to fight to live. I experienced more emotions during those 2 months than I have before or since. Over the past year there have been many times that I've missed him and longed to have him. A few things that I miss about him: seeing his many facial expressions, talking and singing to him, holding him, holding his hand or foot, changing his diaper (it was just about the only thing I was allowed to do to take care of him), and all the wonderful nurses and doctors that took such good care of him. I love that I have all those memories. I was looking in my journal today and noticed that I wrote almost every day Will was alive. I am grateful that I have all those days.
I've been asked a few times if having Benson has helped in the healing process, and of course it has. We have often commented that we wouldn't have Benson if William would have lived. But loving Benson doesn't take away the loss of or the love I have for Will. When we first brought Bens home there were a couple times that I struggled understanding that. I would feel guilty, like I was betraying my love for Will. (Do other moms feel that way when they have a second child?) But I now know I can love both my little boys. I am sad that that they won't get to play with each other or grow up knowing each other but Benson's middle name is William, so I hope he will always feel close to him.
There is a part of me that hopes that I'll never stop grieving for Will. That if I stop missing him, those 2 months didn't happen, that he doesn't matter. So every once in awhile when I see a child that was born around February 2, 2010, I will wonder what William would have been like, what he'd be doing, etc. But I will also be thinking that I know I will get to see him again and I know he's in a better place.
My testimony of the Atonement has increased in ways I never could have thought and for that I'm grateful. Families are Forever!
7 comments:
Happy Birthday, William! This was such a beautiful post, Lynette. I've thought so much of Will today, and just thinking of him makes me smile. He had such a tiny little body, but such a huge spirit. I love remembering how real it was knowing his spirit had joined your family a year ago.
We have been thinking about you guys for the past couple of weeks knowing that Will's birthday was coming up. You have been in our thoughts and prayers. We know this is a bitter-sweet time for you. We love you guys and really miss you!!
Love,
Dan
We feel so lucky we met him and were able to pray for him. We have so many memories and spiritual experiences from his brief time here. He touched many lives and taught us all about miracles.
Love, Trina
What a sweet post. You look peaceful and happy in your picture. Thanks for your ever abiding faith, Lynette. You've always been such a great example to me.
I am so glad that I was able to know him and see what a beautiful baby and strong spirit he was. I truly could feel that. My thoughts are with you during this time of year. You are a wonderful mother Lynette!
What a beautiful post. I'm glad that you were able to take Benson to Will's grave when you were in town. I can't wait for Adalaide to meet her cousin Will - I just know they will be the best of friends.
What a sweet, tender post. I echo everyone else's comments - Happy Birthday William! We all can't wait to meet you.
Thank you Anthony and Lynette for your testimonies and examples and friendship. We love you!
I found your blog through Trina's. (She is in my ward now.) I think I read your entire blog a week ago, and I just wanted to come back and let you know what a wonderful experience it has been to learn about you and your experience with Will. He sounds like a remarkable boy who touched so many people in his short life. Thank you for sharing your story!
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